Tag Archives: Satan

Satan Writes to Pat Robertson

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About a month ago the Minneapolis Star-Tribune published a letter from Satan to evangelist Pat Robertson.  It was in response to his saying that Haiti‘s problems were all due to a pact the nation made with Satan.  Of course, Satan didn’t really compose the letter.  Rather, Lilly Coyle of Minneapolis, did the writing in Satan’s name.  But it seems it seems to me she must have at least been channeling the devilish spirit when putting pen to paper.  While some of you may have seen this already, I thought I would go ahead and post it here as well.

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS

Matthew 4:1-11

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Matthew 4:1-11

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At that time Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desolate place to be tested by the accuser. And after he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was famished. Then the tempter came to him and said, «If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.» But he answered, saying, «It is written, people do not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.’»

Then the accuser took him into the holy city and caused him to stand on the top of the temple, and he said to him, «If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down; for it is written, ‘He will charge his angels concerning you,’ and ‘Upon their hands they will raise you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone.’» Jesus said to him, «It is further written, ‘You shall not test the Lord your God.’»

Again, the accuser took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory; and he said to him, «All these I will give you, if you will fall down and worship me.» Jesus said to him, «Depart Satan! for it is written, ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve only him.’»

Then the accuser departed from him, and, behold, angels came and ministered to him.