But I believe that my soul is aching today.
It is an ache beyond just the natural consequences of
living a life in a world filled with pain and sorrow.
It goes beyond, at least for me, the physiological.
I could be wrong; I know this.
And yet I believe my soul aches
for all the hurt and hate and cruelty I see.
My soul aches for those in grief and mourning.
My soul aches for this world we call home
and for all love and life lost.
Yes, it is just a belief and I have no empirical proof,
but my soul aches.

Lyrics (courtesy of derekwebb.net):

Don’t teach me about politics and government
Just tell me who to vote for
And don’t teach me about truth and beauty
No, just label my music
And don’t teach me how to live like a free man
No, just give me a new law

I don’t wanna know if the answers aren’t easy
So just bring it down from the mountain to me

I want a new law
I want a new law
Just give me that new law

And don’t teach me about moderation and liberty
I prefer a shot of grape juice
And don’t teach me about loving my enemies
And don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
No, just give me a new law

I don’t wanna know if the answers aren’t easy
So just bring it down from the mountain to me

I want a new law
I want a new law
Just give me that new law

‘Cause what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
For one you can that cannot get you anything
So do not be afraid

Do not be afraid…
Do not be afraid…
Do not be afraid…
Do not be afraid…
Do not be afraid…
Do not be afraid…
Do not be afraid…

Now this is where I write some words that are as applicable to myself (maybe even more so) as they are to anyone else who may read them.  It is so easy for most of us to have a negative opinion of ourselves, to devalue our accomplishments, and see ourselves as unworthy.  After all, not many of us are perfect, not many of us are “Hollywood Star” beautiful, and most of us are not at the top of our fields occupationally.  And these last few sentences show us where the problem lies.  It is found when we compare ourselves to others.

Henri Nouwen once wrote the following:

Often we want to be somewhere other than where we are, or even to be someone other than who we are. We tend to compare ourselves constantly with others and wonder why we are not as rich, as intelligent, as simple, as generous, or as saintly as they are. Such comparisons make us feel guilty, ashamed, or jealous. It is very important to realize that our vocation is hidden in where we are and who we are. We are unique human beings, each with a call to realize in life what nobody else can, and to realize it in the concrete context of the here and now.

The task before each of us is not to weigh ourselves in some cosmic balance scale against our fellow travelers and find ourselves lacking.  No, it is to find our unique calling in life; to discover what it is that we can do in our own contexts that no one else can do, and then to live that calling out in our daily lives.

In my situation, I know that there are better pastors out there in the world, pastors with great interpersonal skills and overflowing comppassion.  There are certainly better preachers.  And since I am no saint, I know that there are plenty of people whose lives are more holy and more closely aligned with God’s will and desires.  But no one else is the pastor of First UMC in Pottstown.  That is my calling, and mine alone at this time.  If the people of my church are to be ministered unto, it is up to me to do the ministering.  In the same vein, no one else can be the father of my daughter Desiree.  If she is to know the love and care of a father in the here and now, I am the only one called and empowered to give her a father’s love and care.  I could go on, but I think you get my meaning.

How about you?  What is, or are, your unique calling(s)?  What can you do that no one else can do?  Are you willing to live out who you are, rather than trying to be someone you can never be?  You are of infinite value, and when you begin to see this and live this truth in your life, you make all the difference in the world to those around you.

walking to their room,
moments before,
the cold of the hard floor on my feet
had seeped into my heart,
but it was not cold enough to numb
the panic I felt.

but now,
kneeling in my underwear by their bed.
at 4:00 a.m.
things are better than I thought
mom and dad are here, asleep,
and I know I am not alone.
the terror invoked by my dreams recedes.

touching their sleeping feet -
just to make sure,
I turn and tiptoe back to bed,
I will sleep again,
the dreams will return,
but for now,
for just this moment,
I am not afraid.

It happened that there was a man full of leprosy in one of the towns where Jesus was;
and when he saw Jesus,
he fell prostrate, pleaded with him, and said,
“Lord, if you wish, you can make me clean.”
Jesus stretched out his hand, touched him, and said,
“I do will it. Be made clean.”
And the leprosy left him immediately.
Then he ordered him not to tell anyone, but
“Go, show yourself to the priest and offer for your cleansing
what Moses prescribed; that will be proof for them.”
The report about him spread all the more,
and great crowds assembled to listen to him
and to be cured of their ailments,
but he would withdraw to deserted places to pray.

Luke 5:12-16 (My Paraphrase)

In one of the towns Jesus visited, there was a man consumed by leprosy, and upon seeing Jesus, the man fell face down on the ground and pleaded with him, “Lord, if you wish, you can heal me and make me clean.” Jesus stretched out his hand, touched the man, and said, “I do wish it. Be made clean.” Immediately the leprosy vanished.

Then Jesus ordered the man not to tell anyone what had happened. Jesus added, “Go, show yourself to the priest and, as Moses wrote in the law, make the appropriate offering for your cleansing. This will prove to them that you are now clean.”

But, in spite of this, the news about Jesus continued to spread. Great crowds of people came to listen to him and to be cured of their sicknesses and diseases. Jesus, however, would often withdraw into the wilderness to pray.

Luke 5:12-16 (My Reflection)

Two phrases from this reading strike me. The first is when Jesus says “I do wish it.” The second is at the end of these verses where the gospel writer reports: “Jesus, however, would withdraw into the wilderness to pray.”

The first passage tells me something about the nature of Jesus: that he was a person of great compassion. Many people are, of course, compassionate and giving. And I admire those who have such generous spirits. I wish, however, that I was less admiring and more possessing of their caring natures. While I am no Scrooge, I know that compassion is not my forte, that I am too selfish, and that I am often prone to overlook the ways I can be more loving towards others.

The second passage tells me that Jesus took care of his own physical, emotional ans spiritual needs. One cannot be “on” all the time. There is a pressing need to keep one’s batteries charged, if a man or woman is to be effective in ministry. Too many times I have forgotten this truth in my life and have found myself run down, burnt out, and more than mildly depressed.

What if I found my own wilderness or deserted places to retreat to on a regular basis. What if valued solitude and time spent with God as much as I value my time with friends or at work or leisure? Would I be a better pastor for it? Might that enable me to become more loving and caring as well?

Prayer:

Holy God, you have shown us your true nature in Jesus.
His compassion and care for even the “least of these” was evident throughout his life.
Help me to cultivate compassion in my dealings with others,
even those I do not like.
And when I, O Lord, find myself tired and worn from the activities of my life and ministry,
remind me that it is no sin to walk away for a time and seek your loving embrace,
for there I will be renewed and strengthened to do the work to which you have called me.
This I prayer in Jesus’ name. Amen.