I ran across this poem today from “The Writer’s Almanac,” which I wanted to reflect upon for a few minutes.

Comfort
by Terence Winch

Father Ray Byrne quickly became
a star. He played sports, danced,
sang, told jokes. He was a man
of the people, and we loved him
for that. He came to our apartments
and brought us comfort.

He even came to a high school graduation
party one night. I was a little drunk.
Father Byrne came up to me and asked
“Are you thinking about it?” I panicked.
What did he mean? Sex? Booze? Basketball?
Could he read my mind? Then I realized
his tone wasn’t accusatory, so I said,
“Yeah, I’m thinking about it,” not having
any idea what he was talking about.

“That’s great,” he said, “I can always
tell when a young man is thinking about
it. Just let me know if I can be of any help.”
Now I was positive he wasn’t talking about
sex or money or any of the things I actually
did have on my mind. Father Byrne thought
I might have a vocation.

But I wasn’t considering the priesthood.
I didn’t even think professional basketball
was a possibility any more. God had walked
out the door about a year before,
when I was sixteen, and never looked back,
even though I begged him not
to leave me, alone and weeping
in this valley of tears.

When I first read this poem, I wondered where it was going and worried at first that Father Byrne might be one of those predatory priests that we have all read about these last few years.  But then there was that last sentence that stopped me in my tracks and changed the whole perspective of the poem:  “God had walked out the door about a year before, when I was sixteen, and never looked back, even though I begged him not to leave me, alone and weeping in this valley of tears.”

“Wow” is the only word that adequately captures how I felt when I read those words.  Then I began to think of the times in my own life when it seemed as though God had walked out on me.   Where did God go when my dad committed adultery and left my mom, my brother and myself to start a new family with someone else?  Where was God when I was abused as a teenager during my freshman year in High School?  Why did God remain silent to my prayers and cries of anguish when a beloved uncle of mine lay dying of cancer?

Of course, I know that we Christians affirm again and again that God is always with with us.  “Where can I go to flee your Spirit?” the psalmist asks, and the answer is “nowhere.”  “What can separate us from the love of God” Paul queries, and the answer is “nothing.”  I realize that these passages and many more affirm our value in God’s sight and that God is always keeping an watchful, loving eye on us . . . “The hairs on your head are numbered,” Jesus tells us.  And then there is that old spiritual which paraphrases scripture when it states, “His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me.”

But I also know that no amount of quoting scripture can make God seem any closer when “he” has seemingly left the building.  And again, I am sure that there are plenty who would question who left whom in those situations, but when God seems absent and one appears to have been left all alone, such distinctions don’t really matter.

There are plenty of people who have felt as the boy in this poem feels . . . people who have experienced the most horrible things imaginable, and who have been “left alone and weeping” in their own valleys of tears.  And the fact that others have experienced similar things and can still affirm God’s presence does nothing to negate the feelings of those who have been abandoned.

The truth is that though I am a follower of Christ and a  pastor, there are times when the presence of God in my life, a life that is not at all difficult at present, seems elusive.  And so I feel for all those who believe that God has deserted them, and I pray to the sometimes silent God that he will visit them and me with his grace and with his comfort.

———-

Again, the poem above id “Comfort,”  written by Terence Winch and found in his book “Boy Drinkers.” © Hanging Loose Press, 2007

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