i was third

i was third
edward was first
born in the doctor’s office
taken home by mom and dad
fed and cared for
for three days only
when my mom discovered him at sunrise
blood on and in his mouth
his body still and cold

i was third
pamela was second
when she was born there was something terribly wrong
her body was misshappen
bones were missing from her arms and legs
the doctor counted the seconds that she lived
1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . .
making it to 16 before my sister died in his arms
he said it was a good thing
a mercy really
and maybe it was

i was third
born in a hospital
surrounded by the latest technology
my parents and doctor hoping it would fend off death i suppose
and it did
for i survived
i am still here
44 now
the oldest child
and what most assume was the first boy
born to Jimmy and Ruthie

but i know better
i think of my brother and sister often
i wonder what they would have seen and done
if only they had lived
the memory of their short lives and death haunt me
and there are times when i wish i could have been one of them
instead of the person i am now
maybe their lives would have meant more
maybe they would have avoided the mistakes i made
maybe they would be admired and respected and
worthy of both
and more deserving than i

i was third
first there was edward
then pamela
and then me

there are not even markers where they were hastily buried
as if they were divine mistakes
though i know it is only because my mom and dad were poor
and could not afford a granite testament to life’s brevity and
capriciousness
(and there is plenty of testimony to this already)

but they could afford love
and they gave it to me
instead of them
and so i grew and lived
and everyone thought i was the blessed first child
that’s why he is so smart
that’s why they love him so much
that’s why he is so responsible
they would say
he is the firstborn

but i am not
i was third

- Will Humes

technorati tags:poem, poetry, birth, children, death, third

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